What goals should parents set for themselves?

What goals should parents set for themselves?

The educational tasks facing Jewish parents are somewhat beyond the ordinary. Their success cannot be assessed by a set of criteria by which they usually judge how “successful” a child has turned out, whether he justified the hopes of his parents, whether they have a nache from him. Like all parents, Jewish mothers and fathers dream that their child will successfully realize the potential inherent in him: he achieved success, was happy in family life, successful in business, respected in his circle, etc. To achieve this goal, adults use certain educational methods - punishment, encouragement, exhortation, orientation towards authorities. Isn't it true that all of the above applies equally well to any normal family, regardless of its moral climate, foundations, social level, religious affiliation? However, all this is not enough for a successful Jewish upbringing. All thoughts and deeds accompanying the formation of every Jew as a person must be related to the Torah. The children we raise in our families, first of all, must be good Jews in the sense that the Torah requires, i.e. people who, of their own free will and with joy in their hearts, fulfill their duties before the Almighty and people. A “successful” child in a Jewish family is not only one who is honest, unselfish, generous, generous, but also free from false worries, fears and worries. He fulfills his spiritual duties with joy and completely sincerely, builds his relationship with parents on the basis of love, respect and fear of them, for these same feelings contribute to the development of love for the Most High in a person and faith in Him. It is the parents who must cultivate in their children the traits of a Jew who lives according to the Torah. This lofty task is entrusted to our people, and in order to achieve it, it is necessary to adhere to a clear system of pedagogical methods and a special philosophy of education.

First of all, the parents themselves must live in accordance with the Torah and possess those human qualities that they would like to see in their children. This requires adults to constantly and persistently work on themselves, to cultivate the middot (character traits) prescribed by the Torah. It would be naive to assume that many of us adults are close to the ideal, but it is important to constantly strive for self-improvement. When children observe how people close to them sincerely strive to change something for the better in themselves, this encourages them to deal with problems in themselves, equips them with patience in the fight against possible mistakes and shortcomings. In turn, this reinforces the optimism in people, which is so necessary for continued spiritual development. However, in addition to positive examples that parents should give their children, a necessary condition for a person's spiritual ascent is his fulfillment of the commandments. Among them are those that determine the relationship between people, and those that relate to invisible contacts with the Almighty.

In families where there is a close emotional connection between children and parents, the latter have an extraordinary power to influence adolescents. This power — parental authority — is prescribed for us by the Torah. According to Alaha - Jewish law - a child is obliged to distinguish his parents from all the people he has to deal with in life2. The Creator prescribes a natural fear of parents, combined with deep reverence and respect. All children are characterized by some idealization of people who are dear to them, so they often feel reverent for their parents and feel their strongest influence on themselves. Even at a more mature age, when blind obedience gives way to sober assessments, children continue to consider their parents to be extraordinary people. Rabbi Eruham Leibovich, the mashgiah (spiritual leader) of the Mir stitching in the 1930s, argued that every person should look for wonderful traits in their parents in order to properly fulfill the mitzvah (commandment) of honoring parents. If children perceive their parents in this light, then every word or deed they utter affects the child in a special way. Any conversation with children, any contact has deep meaning and far-reaching consequences.

Thus, parents constantly feel responsible for everything they say and do. The idea that all our mistakes can cause irreparable harm to children is scary. But one should not become discouraged: in order for the mistakes made by parents, often completely unconsciously, to significantly affect the nature of relationships in the family, they must be repeated many times. In addition, constant communication with children and spiritual closeness with them smooth out possible roughness, neutralize the unfavorable resonance from the mistakes made. It is important to take this consciously and skillfully use your power.

What is the basis of parental authority? Love, trust and fear. What is the role of these feelings in the relationship between parents and children, and how do they affect the development of the child? First of all, you need to understand: this relationship is similar to the relationship of the Most High with His children - the Jewish people. Proper upbringing in a Jewish family should reflect the dynamics of the relationship between a person and his Creator. To raise a Torah Jewish Jew, we must establish a relationship with our children that is filled with love, trust, and fear. These feelings will help develop in the child love for the Almighty, faith in Him and fear of Him. And then the children will take as a basis the laws of life established by Him in the Torah. If children do not have enough respect for their parents, if they do not recognize their authority, it is difficult to expect that they will develop fear and respect for the Almighty, our highest Authority and indisputable Power. The author of the book "Se-fer Achinukh" ("The Book of Education") explains that the commandment about respect and fear of parents was given in order to teach us to honor and fear the Almighty3.

... 2 Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143: 3.

The Torah distinguishes the relationship between children and parents from all other human relationships, although it prescribes respect for other people4. In the Torah it is written: “Everyone fear your mother and your father” 5, cursing a mother or father is like someone who curses Gd himself6. When people honor their mother and father, Gd says: “I look at it as if I lived among them and they would honor Me” 7. Respect for parents and fear of them are necessary for the child to unconditionally follow their instructions, thus becoming accustomed to obey social rules, to easily do what is considered right, and not what he wants to do. It is known that man matures more slowly than other creatures. “From the point of view of the alaha, the calf on its birthday is a mature bull” 8. The slow development of a person allows him to prepare him for the high tasks for which he was created9. As an adult, he will fulfill the commandments of the Almighty with the same reverence, respect and fear that he first experienced in relation to his parents. The parents, that is, people, and not the Almighty Himself, should instill these feelings in a child.

3 Exodus: 20: 12.

4 Vayikra 19:18.

5 Ibid. 19: 3.

6 Kidushin 306.

7 Ibid.

The child should be afraid of the consequences of his unsatisfactory behavior. Then, becoming an adult, he will be afraid of punishment for his misdeeds, knowing that “there is an Eye that sees, and there is an Ear that hears” 10. While accustoming the child to obedience, parents simultaneously introduce him to the concepts of "encouragement" and "punishment". Fear of punishment stimulates obedience. Fear is so necessary for a person who lives according to the laws of the Torah that the Almighty commanded us: “Fear the L-rd, Thy Gd, serve Him and stick to Him” 11.

It should not be forgotten, however, that fear must be based on parental love. Love also entails fear - the fear of disobeying the one you love. Thus, not fear in itself, but love is the main thing in serving the Almighty12. That is why it is extremely important to teach a child to love the Almighty - that unity of love and fear, about which we wrote above. Our sages say: "The one who fears Gd is a reward for a thousand generations, and the one who loves Gd is rewarded for thousands of thousands of generations." The one who loves the Almighty serves Him with joy, this joy also attracts others, as if infecting people with a sincere desire to fulfill the will of Gd. The Torah commands us to achieve this level of love: "And you will love the Lord, your Gd, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your strength." Such love makes it easier to fulfill the commandment to praise G-d for all that He sends us, good and bad15. This commandment is also based on complete trust (bitachon) in the King of the Universe. Bitakhon allows a person to analyze his actions and look for those mistakes in them that entailed punishment. The consequence of this is the desire and willingness of a person to work on himself, eliminating existing shortcomings, improving and improving himself (teshuva). Trust is the feeling that connects love and fear. The one who trusts the Almighty realizes that even the punishment that comes from Him contains good in itself. So it is with parents. If a child trusts them, feels that the punishment is not the result of their bad mood, then in the end he will admit that he is punished deservedly. In this case, the child does not develop a feeling of hostility and a desire to avenge "injustice." 8 Bava Kama 656.

9 Rabbi Nosson Zvi Finkel, stitching mashgiach Slobodka, 1920.

10 Avot2: /.

11 Deut. 10:20.

12 Rabeynu Bahia ben Asher, Kad akemah (New York: Shilo Publishing House, 1980), p. 31.

13 Honeycomb 31a.

So, we see: love, trust and fear are the most important components of consciousness that Jewish parents must develop in their children. A person experiencing these feelings happily seeks to “please” the Creator and live according to His Torah. This man chose the best of his destinies - to live in harmony with himself, for the Torah is also called shalom - "peace", peace of the soul, tranquility and balance16: "Her ways are pleasant, her roads are peace." Such a person can rightfully be called a "successful product" of Jewish upbringing. So, when parents instill in their children feelings of love, fear and self-confidence, they thereby build the necessary foundation for the spiritual growth of their children, for the development of their relationship with God. These feelings not only form the basis of the spiritual existence of a Jew, but also allow parents to develop their children in the desired direction and in accordance with the most important task of Jewish upbringing: to raise a generation that will follow the example of parents and adopt their views, their value system and way of life. We must make sure that our children live like us, believe in what we believe in, continuing the tradition started on Mount Sinai. Thus, by multiplying and passing on the heritage of our people, parents contribute to the preservation of the Torah.

14 Deut. 6: 5.

15 Berachot 54a, 606.

16 Mishlei 3:17.

The process by which parents influence their children, communicate with them and teach them (hinukh) can only be successful if there is love, trust and fear. Lack of parental love will alienate the child. Lack of faith will cause alienation and disobedience. Fearlessness will push you to find your own paths in life - when parents lose power, children take it into their own hands.

Laying the foundation of lasting love, we attract the child to us with our right, stronger hand (“... the right hand will attract” 17); with the weaker left hand, we push back to instill fear. Then the relationship with the child is carefully balanced and a strict balance arises between love and fear, always with a slight preponderance towards love, so that the child is drawn to his parents and wants to follow their example.

The Torah is the ideal parenting guide. Constantly addressing her on all emerging issues, parents learn what behavior should be approved, what to condemn, what traits and habits to encourage, what - to eradicate. The Torah is the source of mental health and meaningful existence that will guide our children on the path to success.

Hana Sarah Radcliffe