Relations with my husband's relatives are ruined...

Relations with my husband's relatives are ruined...

We have been married for over 8 years. My husband’s mother is a peculiar person... Our first daughter was born, she caused a scandal, her son needs to wash and eat, but you (I) are selfish, you keep thinking about yourself...

The labor lasted 46 hours, I lost consciousness, and the doctors feared for my life. But when our daughter was born, I felt good and was happy...

Our second daughter already seemed to her - I don’t want to talk about my child like that...

No one came to the brit milah (circumcision) of our son, our third child - neither the mother, nor the father of the husband, nor any of his relatives. So the relationship was ruined in the end.

On July 25, my husband's mother died. My husband told me and my parents not to come to the funeral. We didn’t go, but my parents were offended, they say, how dare he do this to us, and now we will treat him the same way... He is a stranger, since we are strangers...

And I have to stew in all this. At least hang yourself!

Regina

Israel

“Walking in all this,” as you put it, in my opinion, is absolutely not worth it. This only distracts you from your main concerns - about your husband and children. What you need to focus on, apparently, first of all. Strengthening the family, improving the atmosphere in the house and the relationship with the husband.

Without knowing you, your husband, or the other participants in family conflicts, I cannot give specific recommendations. And in general, advising on matters of relationships in the family and with close relatives is an extremely thankless “job.” This area is governed by so many factors that it is not always possible to take them into account even for those who are in constant contact with each other.

Therefore, if I can help you with anything, it will only be with some general considerations that you may consider necessary to use. If you find them constructive, useful and applicable to your situation.

In essence, as it seems to me, you have three problems: with your husband, with his relatives and with your own parents. They need to be separated and dealt with each separately. Moreover, not simultaneously, but gradually, according to the degree of their significance.

Thus, the husband comes to the fore - since you and he need to develop a single, common strategy for interacting with relatives. Both his and yours. This is the core on which it will subsequently be possible to build normal relationships with all relatives.

Let us highlight several points in this work:

1. For a while, until you and your husband come to some common decision that suits both, it is better to distance yourself from your relatives at a certain distance. If they don't want to communicate with you now, let it be so for now. But there is no need to declare this. During forced meetings, behave with dignity and do not enter into arguments or any discussions with them. Your tactics for this period are polite, utmost restraint.

2. When communicating with your husband, it is important to spare his related feelings. Realizing and taking into account that he has his own history of relationships with each of his relatives. Therefore, you should not interfere with his meetings with them and give negative assessments of their characters, words and actions. For this, as is known, can provoke intra-family conflicts. On the contrary, you need to achieve maximum mutual understanding with your husband in matters of communication with his relatives.

3. In a friendly, frank conversation, in an even, calm tone, ask your husband why, in his opinion, your relationship with his relatives is not working out. He undoubtedly has more information on this matter. In his explanations, you may find that thread, by pulling which you can gradually unravel the tangle of layered grievances and, ultimately, conclude with them, figuratively speaking, a “non-aggression pact.”

4. Just as kindly and calmly, try to explain to your husband that one of your main joint tasks is to raise and raise children to be good, worthy people. And both of you should make efforts to create the most favorable conditions for this. Tell him that your family’s “cold war” with relatives (he is at odds with your parents, you are at odds with his relatives) can negatively affect the process of developing the characters of your daughters and son. Forcing them, for example, to choose between their maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather, which in itself can develop in them not the best qualities and “distorted” ideas about life. By listening to someone's unflattering comments about the “other side,” they can, for example, learn that lashon ha-ra (backbiting), prohibited by the laws of the Torah, is the “norm” of human communication. And so on.

5. Ask him, without entering into discussions with relatives, to never support their conversations that contain accusations made against you. And never tell them about your family quarrels and “frictions.” On the contrary, at every opportunity, give you and your actions a positive description.

Likewise, do not discuss your husband’s negative traits and manifestations with your parents.

6. In general terms, the “concept” expressed by the proverb “a bad peace is better than a good quarrel” can become a common position for you and your husband in relations with relatives.

Having come to some kind of “consensus” with your husband, divide the responsibilities: instruct him to carry out “explanatory work” with his relatives, and take upon yourself to resolve the conflict between your husband and your parents.

The arguments in a conversation with mom and dad can be quite obvious. You chose this particular man as your husband, and you and him have three children (their grandchildren). The husband behaved wrongly with them, made a mistake. And you told him about this... If they, your parents, continue to “fence themselves off” from your son-in-law, it will be more difficult for you to communicate with them. And their relationship with their grandchildren will also become problematic... This is approximately the logical sequence.

Both you and your husband should be patient and realize that repairing damaged family relationships is a difficult and protracted task. And, by the way, despite efforts, it is not always possible to achieve success. And yet, be that as it may, try to adhere to the general “reconciling” principles:

1. Do not respond to sarcastic or offensive remarks and other manifestations of relatives that are unpleasant for you - in the same way. Don’t make excuses, try to “turn a deaf ear.”

2. Do not react to negative messages addressed to you that require a response with emotional outbursts, for example, agreeing to “think it over” and “take it into account for the future.”

3. Try in every possible way to avoid “sharp corners” and unpleasant, “dangerous” topics.

4. Make an effort to forget past hurts. What has already happened cannot be changed. Think about the future.

5. Don't forget about politeness and restraint.

And in conclusion, I would like to emphasize once again that the ideas expressed here, of course, do not cover the entire variety of life situations. And he is only able to point out a general direction for thinking about methods of improving the atmosphere in the family.

Lyricist Eliyahu Essas

08/13/10