My sister's husband is sure that he is doing a mitzvah while living with his parents...







Dear Rav.


My sister is married to a religious man. They live with his parents. And until recently, even his brother lived with them.


His dad is sick, he had a stroke. He needs constant care. A health worker comes to their house and takes care of them during the day.


The problem is that his mom and my sister are constantly arguing. This has been going on for 25 years. Several times it came to divorce. The atmosphere in the house is quite terrible, and this, of course, negatively affects the children and my sister's health.


My sister's husband is sure that he does a mitzvah while living with his parents. And not under any pretext does not want to leave his parents. What's more, his mom threatens to curse if they separate. She claims that her curses always come true.


Tell me what to do.


Alexei



Alexey

New York




First, about the position of your sister’s husband, who, as you write, “is sure that he is doing a mitzvah while living with his parents” (that is, as I understand it, he believes that his family living in the same house with his parents allows him to best perform commandment to respect father and mother).


Is this really so?


In our tradition (I assume that we are talking about Jews) there is no rule that obliges adult children, especially those who have a family, to live or not to live with their father and mother. So, this question has nothing to do with the commandment discussed here. I can only note that in the modern world in most countries it is accepted that the newlyweds immediately after the wedding settled separately from both his and her parents.


Consider the situation from a practical point of view.


In my opinion, it was your son-in-law's delusion that became the source of many family problems.


Judge for yourself. Two separate, in fact, families belonging to different generations coexist in one residential “space”, with different views on life, different rhythms of life, different ideas about the organization of life, etc.


Who can benefit from this, even if all the “actors” of this story are kind, accommodating people who are tolerant of the manifestations of others and try to avoid interfering in the affairs of their loved ones?


The fact that your sister and her mother-in-law "constantly swear" is a clear indication of intra-family difficulties and inevitable conflicts of interest in such a situation. There are, of course, hidden problems.


The middle generation (judging by your letter, the younger generation lives in the same house - your sister's children) has been building a family for 25 long years in difficult conditions. With constant regard for the elders.


The life of the elder is also regulated by the presence of adult children and grandchildren. But the parents of your sister's husband no longer have any obligations to the children they raised and raised. To help them or not to help is their good will. They could well live as they please. But - they are forced to adapt, to obey the general family routine, due to the specific circumstances of the life of the son's family.


Your sister's mother-in-law, resisting leaving, is most likely just used to the fact that the children are always near her, and does not realize that by doing this she herself (with the active support of her son) creates unnecessary problems for anyone.


But after all, there is no other way out, children, of course, need to leave their parents and settle separately, somewhere nearby. So that you can come to the aid of a sick father and mother at any moment. And - to help not only physically, but, if necessary, financially. All this - let's add to the "list", for example, daily phone calls, sincere interest in their well-being and plans, congratulations on our holidays and invitations to meals - and will be a full-fledged fulfillment of the Torah commandment "honor your father and mother."


The fact that two families lived together here for 25 years is not an argument. It is never too late to defuse, improve the situation.


It seems to me that you need to explain to your sister’s husband (for greater persuasiveness, let him read this answer) that with his “setting” he not only did not succeed in fulfilling this commandment, but, on the contrary, created completely unreasonable obstacles to this. Of course, in any case, your sister should not quarrel with her mother-in-law, respond to her claims and accusations, etc. It is her duty to show respect to her own parents and to her husband's parents. But her husband should also understand that it is much easier for a wife to establish good, even relations with his mother at a distance. In other words, by insisting on living together with his parents, he deliberately puts his wife in a situation where she can not restrain herself (everyone has their own “threshold” of patience), verbally offend his mother and thereby violate the commandment of the Torah.


It is necessary to take into account the problems in the upbringing of children that arise when the mother is in conflict with the grandmother. Children grow up, adopting a far from the best example of the relationship between the older and younger generations. In the future, this may also affect the “quality” of their relationship to their mother and father and their behavior in society.


Now - about the curses that your sister's mother-in-law threatens in the event of a departure, claiming that they "always come true."


There is no need to be afraid of this. For only the Almighty controls our destinies. And you have to rely only on Him. Bad "wishes" of a person, as a rule, do not have a negative impact on the life circumstances of the "recipients" and can turn just against the one who expresses such "wishes". Your sister's husband should try to explain this to his mother.


And in general, it is important that he talks in detail with her about his plans to live separately, listens carefully to her counterarguments, finds a rational solution for each problem identified by her that suits all family members and talks about the benefits that everyone gets from this step. Not for fear of her possible "curses". But only so that she does not perceive the resettlement as a tragedy.




Lyricist Eliyahu Essas